Ending Bedtime Battles - Once and for All
Bedtime.
… Did your chest just tighten? Did your breath quicken? Did you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Is bedtime a battle that you dread every. single. night?
Oooo girl, you are NOT alone!!
Bedtime can be such a common battle, for babies, young children, and older children alike!
Well take a breath, sis. You’re in the right place.
Keep reading for some insider tips and tricks on ending the bedtime battle once and for all!
Secret #1: Early Bedtime
Set and stick to an Early Bedtime. For most children this is between 7-8pm.
My parents are the best parents in the world. I want to be like them when I grow up. One thing we do differ on is our opinion of when bedtime should be. Which is funny, because when my siblings and I were little, I’m pretty sure we had early bedtimes. But now, they’re cool with my girls staying up late when they have them over for sleepovers.
But here’s what I’ve learned: most babies and children are naturally tired for bed between 7-8 pm. That’s how their circadian rhythms are typically structured from 3- or 4-months-old and on.
Keeping your child up later actually has the opposite effect of what you’re going for. The longer they stay up, the more the chemical called cortisol builds in their brain and body. And when it hits a threshold once your child is overtired, it sets off a rush of adrenaline. This is what causes a second wind. This is what happens when your child starts running around like the energizer bunny. Or starts acting extra wild right before bed. They’re overtired and their body – to try to help – gave them a boost of adrenaline
But, overtiredness really is a child’s worst enemy. Once this happens, not only will it be harder for your child to fall asleep, it will be harder for them to stay asleep, too. The adrenaline works in their body to keep them awake and it doesn't allow for very restful sleep.
Secret #2: Use a Bedtime Routine
Use a bedtime routine – and have them help choose 1 or 2 parts of it. (You’re the mom. You get the final say. Or dad can! Dads often like getting involved in bedtime because they can really own it. It can be their special time with the kids.) So let them choose if they want a special story. Or a song. Shower or bath. Do they want to brush teeth before or after the shower? Kids like to be involved in decision-making.
Now, kids tend to like – and really thrive on - consistency. So if you already have a routine, I wouldn’t change it up too much. Even if they say they want a whole new routine, it may still throw them off. So maybe ask if they want to pick a new story that will be their new bedtime story every night. Or add in a part where they say thank you to Jesus or God for their blessings that day. Or let them choose if they want to switch from baths to showers. I wouldn’t switch everything up, but they can choose 1 or 2 things to change from now on.
Secret #3: Your Attitude Matters
YOUR attitude around bedtime matters. Your kids hear the way you speak about bedtime. Getting angry or desperate or even trying to be understanding and saying things like “I know, nobody likes going to bed,” – they feel this and they now feel like these are the right feelings around bedtime.
Now, definitely acknowledge feelings. This is good. “Yes, I know, you want to keep playing. I don’t like having to stop my projects too.”
But also in the same breath, acknowledge why bedtime and sleep are good. “I am excited to see what you build tomorrow! It’s time to get ready for bed because sleep helps us have new good ideas for tomorrow. It helps us feel better when we’re sleepy.”
Now, if they want to fight, you can acknowledge their feelings. But you don’t have to acknowledge rudeness or whines. It takes 2 to fight. You’re the mom. What you say goes.
Secret #4: Don’t Ask Questions That There’s Only 1 Acceptable Answer To
Don't ask questions that there’s only 1 acceptable answer to. Never ask a child if they’re ready to go to bed. Never. Even if sometimes they answer “yes,” they’re also going to answer “no” sometimes. And guess what? Bedtime’s not up to them. And here’s another secret - they don’t really want it to be! Children like boundaries because it helps them feel safe. Setting and sticking to a bedtime is an excellent way to do this. It may feel fun to them to be in charge – but when it comes to their health and well-being, it’s not their job to be in charge – it’s yours.
So “do you want to take a bath?” No. We say, “Okay. In 5 minutes, it’s time to take a bath.”
Secret #5: Give (Limited) Choices
So like with a new bedtime routine where you’re not changing the whole thing, you can say something like, “Do you want to pick a new story? Or add in a song?”
If they choose a song, then YOU give them 2 choices that would be appropriate bedtime songs. I’m all for Crazy Train, but it’s not exactly mood-setting for bedtime, ya know?
Or if it’s okay with you if they choose between a bath and a shower, give them that option. Something similar that has the same soothing, wind-down result.
And don't make them make a bunch of choices each night – 1 is plenty. We want the routine to stay routine. It’s a cue for their brains and bodies that now we are transitioning into sleep-time.
Secret #6: Give a Transition Warning
Give a small warning before transitioning to the bedtime routine.
So think about this: If you’re in the middle of a project, chances are it throws you off and makes you upset if you have to stop all of a sudden. And, along those same lines: Play is a child’s work, right? So if they’re playing, reading, etc., and all of a sudden you say, “Clean up; it’s time for bed,” they’re going to feel like “wait! What the heck. I’m not ready.” So give a small warning: 5 minutes, 10 minutes, something like that. So I’d say something like, “Okay girls, in 10 minutes we’re going to start getting ready for bed.” And better yet, use a timer. That way it’s not you saying “time’s up”, it’s the timer. And the groans? Ignore them. Pretend like they’re not even happening.
Secret #7: Wind-Down, Turn Off Lights & Screens
Wind-down and turn off all screens and unnecessary lights at least 1 hour before bed.
Think about going on a bike-ride, then coming home and watching an action movie. Immediately as the credits roll, shut it off and try to fall asleep. Now, unless you’re my husband who falls asleep about 20 minutes into any movie like it’s his job, your brain is probably too wired to fall asleep, right?
Before our kids go to bed, we want to set the stage for their brains and bodies. We want to trigger a start of melatonin production, so that when their heads hit their pillows, they don’t fall asleep immediately, but easily within 20 minutes.
Wind-Down
So let’s switch gears on the music we’re listening to – change to a more soothing, slower beat. Let’s quit running around chasing the kids. Tire them out – but do it before the hour mark before bed.
Turn Off Screens & Lights
Light is huge in regulating/preventing melatonin production. (Melatonin is the chemical in our brains that makes us feel tired.) Especially blue light. I know screen time can be a major battle, especially with how easily available it is right now. And it really can be so helpful when you need to get something done like cook a meal, answer a few work emails, or have 2 minutes to think.
But! Light inhibits – it prevents – melatonin production. Especially blue light – which is the kind of light from tvs, phones, computers, and tablets. So put the tablets away. Turn off unnecessary overhead lights. Dim the lights you keep on if you can. It is majorly worth it.
This is the time for the kids to do a puzzle. Pray as a family. Read a physical book. Build with legos free-style. Listen to some ambient music. Color. Something like that.
Extra important trick here: if the kids don’t use screen time right now – it makes it waaayy easier if you don’t either. Be their example. Put the phone away. Close the laptop. Read a physical book. Do a puzzle yourself! Say a rosary. Write in your planner for tomorrow. You get the idea.
So that’s it! 7 Secrets to Ending Bedtime Battles with Toddlers and Young Children
1) Early bedtime. Between 7 and 8pm.
2) Use a bedtime routine – and let them help choose 1 or 2 aspects of it.
3) Watch your attitude and words around bedtime. Your words become their inner voice.
4) Don't ask questions there’s only 1 acceptable answer to.
5) Give choices – 2 or 3 options, no more, too overwhelming.
6) Give a small warning before the transition into bedtime routine.
7) Dim lights, calm things down, and put away screens at least 1 hour before bed.
Is bedtime with your kiddos a major struggle? Do you feel like you’re at your wits end and you just don’t know where to start? Hi, I’m Ashley Thompson and I am your friendly neighborhood certified sleep consultant, and I would be honored to help.
Schedule your FREE 15-Minute Sleep Evaluation and Application Call now!
Or contact me by email at ashley@playsleepgrow.com. Or follow me on Instagram – my handle is @playsleepgrow and send me a message. I’d be honored to help!