One Key Element to Successful Infant and Child Sleep That NO One is Talking Abut

Have you tried implementing sleep training but it’s just not working and you can’t figure out why? Or maybe you’re just about to start sleep training your child and want to make sure you’re doing everything you can to make it successful?

This article is for you!

Sleep Schedule Generator

Before we jump in today, I want to make sure I remember to share my joy – do you ever feel like you waste so much time and energy and mental load on figuring out your child’s sleep schedule? Does it feel like your baby’s sleep schedule is constantly changing and it’s all you can do to keep up with the adjustments?

I have a wonderful surprise just for you, my sweet friend!! Tap the link below to snag your free sample sleep schedule – specifically for your child.

You read that right - it’s 100% free.

Visit www.playsleepgrow.com/sleep-schedule-quiz now for your child’s sample sleep schedule.

Intro

Welcome back, beautiful sister!

I’m Ashley – sweaty mom of 3 sitting in the backyard while our kiddos play in the grass, grateful and … occasionally challenging wife ;), and Certified Pediatric Sleep Consultant - particularly obsessed with infant sleep.

 This week we are talking about the one hugely important component of successful sleep training and routines and environments. And for as entrenched as I am in the infant and toddler sleep world, I really don’t see this topic discussed much, if at all. 

I think one reason this may happen is because we accidentally take this element for granted.

Storytime 

Okay – detective time -

I’m going to start with a quick story. And let’s see if you can pick out the essential element I’m talking about.

Every morning, we have to give our eldest her seizure medication. Currently she’s on 2 meds, and every morning it’s a fight. She takes the meds, thank goodness, but they taste gross and she avoids them like the plague.

One or both of the meds, we believe, has begun affecting her appetite lately as well. She’s still eating enough – again, thank goodness – but healthy foods she used to sincerely enjoy – like eggs, vegetables, etc. – have become a fight to get her to eat at all. And these types of food are especially important right now because we are aiming for as minimally inflammatory a diet as we can without upending her whole food routine.

So, basically, mornings have become soured and full of negative emotions lately, and attitudes run high – both our daughter’s as well as my own.

We typically get up at 7:00 am – all 3 of our daughters and I – and Emma is scheduled to get her meds at 7:30 am. And as I’m sure you’ve guessed, these meds are time-sensitive. If she doesn’t get them on time, she can begin having more frequent and more severe seizures.

But due to the nature of the meds, she needs food in her belly to take them. And my husband prefers that food to be eggs. And I’d bet you can imagine how that goes … every morning.

So the stage has been set – and it’s not a super sunshiny one.

To ensure that I don't forget to give Emma her meds, we’ve set a daily alarm on the Google Nest Mini.

And, each morning, that alarm goes off at 7:30am.

And about 75% of the time, I haven’t given Emma her meds yet and I am in a state of panic to get this food in her belly in order to protect her beautiful brain.

My brain starts racing, my focus is out the window, and my temper gets shorter.

But then … something really amazing happens.

When I say, “Okay Google, Snooze,” she responds.

And it’s not just a robotic “alarm snoozed.” Or “Ten minutes added.”
No, the makers of the Google Nest apparently knew that alarm-snoozing was a potentially stressful event. And they understood the assignment.

Google replies, “You’ve got it. 10 more minutes.” Or “Snoozing for 10.” Or a similar message to that effect. And each variation has that same tone, that same emotion to it – it’s like Google is telling me – hey, you’ve got this. It’s not the end of the world. Everything’s going to be okay.”

And that makes ALL the difference. My panic and attitude immediately shift. I take a deep breath and legitimately feel calmer.

All because my little robot timer had a calm, positive response to my stress.

Did you figure it out? I bet you did. I know how clever you are!

The key element to sleep training and routines and environments that no one is talking about – and that we’re discussing in this episode – is how majorly your attitude and emotion around sleep impacts your child’s attitude around and success with sleep.

 It’s no secret that infants can read our emotions. Even from the time they are very little, we recognize that the more panicked we are, the more emotionally erratic our children become. And when we are calm and confident, that can have a huge, positive impact on our child’s emotional state.

Now, granted, when we have colicky babies, this is not always the case. When babies have colic, we can be as calm as a summer breeze, and our poor sweet babies can still be in an absolute state. It can at least be said that when our newborn’s colic affects our mood and we are stressed and majorly upset, that certainly doesn’t help.

But in most other instances, when we remain calm and confident in the face of chaos and stress and uncertainty – this can have a wonderful calming influence on our infants and toddlers and older children.

So what exactly does this look like when we’re sleep training and beyond?

Getting Ready for Bed

 When we sleep train, it can be as difficult on us as parents - who so deeply love our children - as it can be for our children, to hear them protest and cry as they learn their own self-soothing strategies. It hurts our hearts to hear them upset.

 And that’s normal and not a bad thing – it simply means that we have deep empathy for our child.

But it’s very important to do what we can to keep ourselves calm and confident so that we can be that beacon of security for our child.

When we get our child ready for bed, and our child is throwing a fit or getting upset over taking a bath, or putting on pajamas, we can validate their feelings (especially when they’re old enough to understand,) by naming their emotions and feelings – e.g., “Ellie feels sad. Ellie is crying – she is sad. Ellie does not want to put pajamas on.”

 We stay calm. We don’t allow their negativity to turn our emotions upside-down. Because we can be a major influence on how this turns out.

 We can then use self-talk and narration (so that means talking about what we are thinking and doing) to redirect the emotional environment.

 “Oh Mommy loves the bath. Ducky in tub. Ducky goes up up up. Wee.”

 Talk her through the positive parts. Show her how you enjoy them. You know how sometimes when kids are throwing a fit, when all of a sudden they see another kid playing and having fun and they’re like “Oh. I want that too!” You can be that kid. Only for you it’s a strategy. ;)

Being silly is a great way to shift the emotional mood of the situation – it’s distracting and fun. And sometimes it can even help you to loosen up your own negative emotions. Let yourself enjoy it. No one else is there to see you be silly except your spouse or parenting partner. And if they roll their eyes or whatever, then they’re the one that’s being boring and lame.

 This may not work the first couple times. But keep it up. And when your child is old enough to participate more – let her choose between 2 options of something silly or part of her routine as a distraction, too. Like, if she’s crabby about taking a bath, we can say, “how should we go up the stairs (to the bathroom) tonight? Should we be silly monkeys or thumpy hippos?”

The earlier you curb that grumpy behavior, the better. Otherwise, the more the bad feelings grow, the bigger they tend to become.

And bad feelings aren’t bad. We have a saying in our house – it’s okay to be grumpy, (or mad, whatever.), but it’s not okay to throw a fit. Our feelings are our feelings – it’s okay to be mad and grumpy and sad. But there is a good way to express those feelings and a bad way. A good way is to yell in a pillow or cry. A bad way is to hit our sister or intentionally not listen to mommy or daddy.

This is actually something my husband and I have had to learn to be okay with – because sad and grumpy feelings make us uncomfortable! We want our kids to be happy and joyful!

 But – if you’ve ever watched the movie Inside Out – that movie with all the feelings that run the little girls brain – in the movie, the emotion Joy needs to learn to let Sadness help Riley be sad before she can feel happy again. In the same way, sometimes we have to let our children be sad in order to release those bad feelings. And then they can move on to feeling joyful again.

And all the while, we – their parents – we need to be that calm, safe rock for our babies and toddlers and older children to depend on.

Middle of the Night

This also applies once our kiddos are actually in bed.  

Unless there are extenuating circumstances, like someone is throwing up or has a high fever, etc., we need to keep our structure and boundaries in place and stay calm and positive while baby is falling asleep and for all night-wakings.

When our baby is protesting – especially in those early nights of sleep training when the protesting is the strongest – responding to our children with a calm, positive voice is so much more powerful and helpful than if we are just as frantic as our child.

If you get to the point where you’re literally pleading with your child to calm down – it’s time to call your husband or parenting partner or mom or postpartum doula or whomever in. You need a break. And you deserve one.

 Those 3-am wake-ups were the hardest times for me to remain calm and positive. I just wanted to sleep. If this sounds like you, too – try using one of the calming triggers we talk about at the end of this episode for yourself if you need help remaining calm.

Back-Up

Staying positive and calm on your own can be SO HARD. And especially when you yourself are sleep deprived.

For myself, I know that certain behaviors and environmental triggers and scratch away at my ability to remain calm. Like, being intentionally ignored – that’s a major one that really triggers my rage button. Or with our second daughter, she’s always had this really high-pitched siren-like cry for literally any time she’s upset. Even as an infant, there was only so much I could take before I had to step away because it felt like fingernails on a chalkboard inside my chest and head.

This is when having back-up is SO majorly important.

I remember when my husband and I were in counseling and the therapist told us that when our emotions are calling the shots, it means that the cortex of our brain – the part of our brain that does the logical thinking – that part shuts down.

And just as we need to remember this for our own kids, we need to apply this to ourselves, too.

So for my husband and I – if one of use realizes we are at the end of our rope, we tag the other parent in and we say “I can’t do this right now. I need to take a break. I’ll be back.” We say it calmly and respectfully. And the other of us knows how this feels, so we’re typically pretty receptive. Then that parent steps outside the house, shuts the door, and does something to calm down. This isn’t time for a couple of shots and some grunge music. This is time to actively work to calm your heart and mind down to a level that you can be that calm, boundary-upholding rock again for your child.

If you have a husband or parenting partner, speak to their desire to be a provider, to protect and take care of you. Tell them that you are struggling and really need their support because you trust them and need them to help take care of you right now so that you can stay calm for your baby.

If you don’t have a husband or parenting partner, or yours is unfortunately not supportive, then ask your mom or your sister or a close friend to come visit for a couple of hours at your child’s bedtime for a few nights here and there to support you.

You know those moms who look like they’re managing everything amazingly all on their own. I guarantee you they have help. They are not doing it all themselves. They have support.

And you, dear sister, deserve the same.

And for my sweet sisters who don’t have anyone as back-up right now because you are a single mom or your husband is deployed or works nights and you don’t live by family and you don’t have any close friends yet in the area – you still need to take breaks – and especially when you feel like your emotional lid is about to burst.

If you are at the end of your rope and you feel like you are not capable of remaining that calm rock for your child, place them somewhere safe, in their crib or pack’n’play, something like that. – and step out of the room for a few minutes. Sometimes this is our best option. And that’s okay.

How to Remain Calm

This is all great, Ash, you may be thinking, but how do I remain calm.

In the words of Elyse Myers, “Great question; I would love to tell you.”

 1. Having back-up, as we just discussed, is major. A true game-changer.

You can also explore what other elements can trigger calm in your brain.

 2. One thing you can try is different calming room-spray scents. Obviously choose wisely – some fragrances and essential oils are not safe for infants.

One scent that really helps at bedtime is lavender. I’m weirdly picky about my lavender – personally, I really like the Mrs. Meyers room spray lavender. Spraying that around the house right before bedtime can certainly help.

3. You can also dim the lights around the house at bedtime – this not only helps reduce the inhibition of melatonin production, but can have a calming effect, as well.

4. Soft, classical music can be calming. Now, don’t put it on in the baby’s room as he’s trying to fall asleep. Just use straight white noise for that.

But while you’re getting him ready for bed, gentle music can be soothing for baby and you.  

And if you want, you can even put in one of your earbuds and listen to whatever you want that calms you down. Heck, you can keep that earbud in while you sit next to baby’s crib, and listen to your calming music or meditation or podcast or book on tape – or audiobook. Whatever. You know what I mean. ;)

5. Another calming method that’s very common – and for good reason – is breathing techniques. There’s one I use that’s like “breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, and breathe out for 8.” Honestly, I don’t even always do the breath hold like I’m supposed to, but the breathing pattern is still extremely helpful. When I was little, I always though breathing techniques to calm down were super lame. But now that I’m old … well, maybe I’m super lame. Lol. All I know is that they really do work.

6. If you’re like me, then different textures can have a soothing effect for you as well. I recently received the softest blanket in the world as a gift, and I’ll sit with it wrapped around me when I need help feeling calm and confident.

7. Or hold something to fidget with. If you’re in the living room waiting for your next leave-and-check pop in, knit and have a feel-good movie on the tv. Or if you’re in the baby’s room for stay-in-the-room, bring a fidget toy for yourself – it should be dark enough in the room that the baby can’t see what’s in your hands anyway, so as long as it’s quiet and there are no lights on the toy it should be fine.

What calm down strategies do you use?  I would love to get more ideas to share with you all! Feel free to share your favorite calming strategies on my Instagram page – www.Instagram.com/PlaySleepGrow.

Stack the deck in your favor – that’s what optimizing an environment is all about. Make the experience as easy on yourself and your child as possible by setting the stage and being prepared.

Summary

So today we talked about the importance of positive, calm parental attitude and how it vital it is for infant and toddler sleep success.

Homework

If this was helpful, please share this episode with your favorite mom friend. I don’t know about you, but I love podcast recommendations from my friends.

And follow along on my Instagram page @PlaySleepGrow for weekly sleep tips and a dash of relatable mom humor.

Speak soon!

Ending Legal Note

Please remember that this is a article for personal use. It is not medical advice and should not be considered or used as such. I am not a medical sleep professional. And though I am a pediatric sleep consultant and speech language pathologist, the information I present on this blog is general information that I have gathered through my own education, research, and experience and not specific to you or your child. Before implementing any ideas or suggestions I may provide, please clear it with your or your child’s doctor first.

Resources in this article:

1.     Sample Sleep Schedule – www.playsleepgrow.com/sleep-schedule-quiz

2.     Google Nest Mini - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Google-Nest-Mini-2nd-Generation-Chalk/751612012

(Note: After recording the podcast with the same title, I realized that we actually own the Google Home Mini – which is the older version. But in the episode/article I mentioned the Nest, so that’s what I linked to here.)

3.     Mrs. Meyer’s Lavender Room Spray - https://amzn.to/3OJYBuQ

4.     Soft Blanket - https://amzn.to/3Aj8g72

(This is not the blanket I personally have, though I am extremely tempted to buy it because it looks so insanely soft and has excellent reviews! I don’t know where the blanket I have is from because it was a gift, but the brand is called Lumina Lou.)

5.     Let’s be friends on Instagram! - www.Instagram.com/PlaySleepGrow

Note: The links in the article notes may include affiliate links. If you use one of these links, I may receive compensation for your purchase, but it will not increase the cost of your purchase and I would only ever recommend a product that I myself would or do use.

Hi!

I’m Ashley Thompson -  mom of 3, wife, Catholic homeschooler, and Certified Infant Sleep Consultant.

I provide 1:1 infant sleep coaching to help growing families reclaim structure and peace through sleep training.