What to Do When Sleep Training Doesn’t Work
Overview
In today’s article we will be pulling back the curtain on why sleep training doesn’t always work.
You will learn:
Top five (5) reasons for sleep training failure
What to do if this describes you
Why Sleep Training Doesn’t Work
So you tried sleep training – and it Did. Not. Work.
Why? Why in the world did it work for your sister? Or your best friend? But not you.
What the heck is going on?
This is the question we’ll be answering today. I know this is incredibly frustrating. Because it feels like you and your baby suffered for nothing.
But let me tell you this right away – it wasn’t a waste. Because if you look back on your experience, it will give you clues as to why it didn’t work. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today. Some of the most common reasons why sleep training doesn’t work. And what to do when sleep training doesn’t work.
Let’s jump in because I betting you’re anxious to get started.
Why Sleep Training Doesn’t Work: Medical Reasons
One of the most common reasons why sleep training didn’t work for your child is medical reasons. And if this is the case, this is the reason that you’ll want to jump on right away to solve. This is not the time to try and wait it out for baby to grow a bit more.
If there is a medical reason behind your child’s difficulty sleeping, like sleep apnea, laryngomalacia or tracheomalacia, reflux, dairy or other food intolerance, or some other medical reason, then no matter what strategy you use, no matter how hard you try, sleep training simply will not work.
That’s why it’s imperative to rule out any medical reasons before you begin sleep training.
And if you thought you did, but sleep training didn’t work for you – then look back over your sleep training journey. Look at what happened to prevent your child from connecting sleep cycles. Look at their daytime and nighttime sleep.
What possible symptoms do you see? If you see any symptoms, now is the time to contact the pediatrician and discuss this situation with them.
Why Sleep Training Doesn’t Work: Parent Discomfort
Let’s shift gears now and talk about a second common reason why sleep training doesn’t work.
This reason is parent discomfort.
If one or more parents is uncomfortable with the process or insistent that it won’t work, then chances are – it won’t.
This is two-fold.
First, your child can read your emotions. If you’re desperate or highly anxious or some other strong negative emotion about this process – especially while you’re going through the bedtime routine and method, your child will observe that emotion in you and respond to it.
And believe me, as a highly anxious mother myself – one with diagnosed anxiety and depression and a history of obsessive compulsive disorder – I do understand. Your emotions are your emotions, and they are valid.
The thing is, if they are interfering with your sleep training success, then we need to unpack those emotions and figure out how to ease them before we start sleep training. Does that make sense?
Whether that’s with the help of a psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor, or using strategies you’ve learned over the years to help you work through and manage your fears and anxieties.
For me, this included using 2 breathing monitors while we sleep trained. Yes, two. Back when the Owlet monitor still gave alerts for low O2 sats and low and high heart rate, we used the Owlet Smart Sock and the Snuza Hero SE at the same time.
Some people – including my parents – may have thought that was overkill. But for me, it was about managing my anxiety and giving me peace of mind so both my child and I could get the sleep we needed.
If this is your concern too, this is what I recommend – first and foremost, discuss your child’s level of SIDS risk with your child’s pediatrician. SIDS is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I don’t mention this to scare you, just because it’s something to be aware of and take precautions for. Talking to your pediatrician may help you feel more comfortable, and if it doesn’t then you can discuss with them a plan to monitor your baby while they sleep.
If your baby has genetic or medical risk factors, they may suggest monitoring such as a medical grade pulse-ox. Or they may not.
As far as I’m aware, the Owlet sold in the US no longer alerts for low oxygen or low or high heart rate. I believe it might still monitor the levels, but it doesn’t alert for it.
The Snuza Hero SE doesn’t monitor O2 sats, but it does monitor breathing rate. And if your baby hasn’t moved in a specified amount of time, it buzzes to try to stimulate your baby, and if that doesn’t work it screeches it’s alarm.
In our experience with our 3 children, the Snuza Hero SE has also worked longer and more consistently. We’ve cycled through a number of Owlets because the ones we had tended to stop charging after a few months. But we used the same Snuza Hero SE for 3 kids without it stopping working.
And this is an important note: the Owlet monitor is not marketed as a medical device, and should not be used as such. The Snuza Hero has an MD version that their website claims is certified as a medical device. Before using it as a medical device, make sure to clear it with your pediatrician first.
As of the time of this article’s writing – which is April 17, 2023 - this MD version is not sold in the US. So there’s a good chance that as of now, it’s not certified as a medical device in the US.
And as far as I’m aware, neither device claims to prevent SIDS. This means that it can help you monitor your baby and bring you peace of mind, but you still need to take all safe sleep precautions at the same time. No sleep monitor gives permission to stop using safe sleep practices. And if you’re anxious about SIDS like I am, chances are this makes perfect sense to you.
Another aspect of sleep training that parents tend to become anxious about is their baby’s crying and discomfort.
On the internet and social media, there are more and more myths and parent-shaming flying around that demonize sleep training, saying horrible things like “it just teaches your child that you won’t respond.”
What a terrible, horrible thing to imagine, right??
Let me bring you some facts – many of these claims are based on a study – a single study – done on children who were being raised in an orphanage. Children that were never responded to. Day or night.
I’d venture a guess saying that that is nothing like what your home situation is. And I can promise you that that is NOT what healthy sleep training looks like.
I personally don’t use the Cry It Out method nor do I use it with my clients unless that’s what the parents prefer, and even in that situation, that’s not the same as what is described in this study.
Additionally – and anecdotally – I can assure you that my children still cry out or come get me in the night when they really need something.
It’s not every night. Maybe a few nights a month.
And during the day – ha – believe me. They make their wants and needs known.
Sleep training – when done properly – does NOT train your child to not call to you when they need something.
Sleep training – when done properly – helps your child learn how to self soothe – yes, that’s a real thing – match their sleep times to their circadian rhythm, and connect their sleep cycles.
As a speech-pathologist, I will also say - crying is a form of communication. It’s good. It’s healthy. (When your baby has colic, it definitely doesn’t feel good and healthy. That’s not what I’m referring to.)
Crying – typical crying – tells us when our baby needs something – like a feed, a diaper change, to be burped, warmer clothing, etc.
Crying can also indicate things like discomfort, tiredness, grumpiness. Things that simply mean – baby needs to sleep. Or baby is simply grumpy.
Feelings are feelings. Our kids are allowed to be grumpy. They’re allowed to have feelings.
If they need us to solve something for them – like giving them a feed or changing their diaper – then obviously we’re going to do that.
But if they’re just tired or grumpy – then sometimes they simply need to fall asleep. Or be allowed to be grumpy or frustrated.
Once we sleep train our children, it actually helps us to differentiate these cries, because we learn the difference between the “my belly hurts” cry and the “I’m overtired cry.”
So, the moral of the story is – if one or more parents are uncomfortable with the method of sleep training you’re using, then you need to come to a consensus. You need to agree that you’re either going to give this method a fair shot, or you need to agree on an alternate method or to pause your efforts and try again at a scheduled time.
And do note – sleep training is not for everyone. Some parents agree that sleep training in any form is not for them. And that is 100% your prerogative as parents.
As long as you and your children are all experiencing safe, healthy sleep, that is the number 1 priority.
And a plan still needs to be discussed about that – where are the kids going to sleep? Who is going to respond to night wakings? How will you respond? How will you ensure that both parents are getting the sleep they individually need? How are you going to ensure time and opportunity to build your relationship with your spouse or parenting partner? How are you going to plan for and ensure safe sleep?
Why Sleep Training Doesn’t Work: Wrong Schedule
A third common reason why sleep training doesn’t work is implementing the wrong schedule.
Your child’s sleep-wake schedule is a delicate balance. Your kiddo needs a specific amount of sleep, divided carefully across day- and nighttime sleep. This is based on how much total sleep your child needs their current wake windows, whether they need consistent or variable wake windows, and more.
Note – newborns can have a pretty varied sleep schedule from day to day. Once they’re 3 months and up, that sleep schedule should start to look more consistent from day to day.
This can be a tricky and confusing part of sleep training, so if you’re stumped, I guarantee you that you’re not alone.
If you want a second set of eyes, send me a copy of your child’s sleep-wake schedule along with their age and any relevant medical history – like prematurity, and I’ll check it over and we can discuss if it looks typical for their age or not.
If it’s a quick answer, you can bet I’ll just respond via email.
If it’s a more complicated answer, I offer both Quick-Fix Calls and full Sleep Plans if when needed.
Why Sleep Training Doesn’t Work: Method Mismatch
A fourth common reason why sleep training doesn’t work is accidentally choosing the wrong sleep training method. There are a myriad of methods out there, and some methods are well suited to your family and child, and some are not.
If you choose the wrong methods, try to figure out why that method didn't work for your child or family, so the next method you choose can be better suited to your needs.
Why Sleep Training Doesn’t Work: Flying Solo
Not seeing problem; need accountability
Now let’s talk about a fifth and final reason why sleep training doesn’t work – flying solo.
Some families do great flying solo – meaning, choosing their sleep method, figuring out their child’s optimal sleep-wake schedule, staying consistent and accountable, and problem solving along the way. They figure it out and it works great.
Other families need help. Whether because they simply don’t have the time to figure it out, or it’s not their zone of genius, whatever the case may be.
Some families even sleep train their child successfully in the beginning, and down the line, they need help. One of my families that I’ve worked with successfully sleep trained their daughter as a baby, and once she was a toddler, she had a number of illnesses back to back, and after she was finally healthy again, they couldn't figure out why their efforts to get her back on track weren’t working.
We worked together for a few weeks, and got her back on track.
Then recently, their daughter hit a new stage of development – approaching preschool age – and because of her level of development and new sleep associations, she needed a whole different sleep method.
We’ve been working together for a few weeks, and I’m happy to report that she’s once again falling asleep independently and putting herself back to sleep at night when necessary.
And this is a family who are all-stars at understanding why the sleep plan works and following through. Truly, one of my favorite families I’ve worked with. They just needed help.
Over the years I’ve learned that the further along in your parenting journey you get, the more you realize that sometimes you just have to ask for help. Every parent needs help sometimes. There’s no need to drag out your misery and pretend like you don’t need help if you do.
Ask for help. Get to the other side of your sleep problem. It’s time.
If you’re thinking, “yes, this is me,” you can schedule a free 15-minute Sleep Evaluation call at a time that’s most convenient to you, so we can figure out what’s going on with your baby’s sleep, whether I can help, and if I can, what our plan will be moving forward.
Baby Waking Early: Summary
That’s all for today.
Today we discussed 5 common reasons why sleep training doesn’t work and what to do if sleep training doesn’t work for you.
Remember, if you are struggling with your baby’s sleep and you can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong or you simply don’t want to do it alone – that’s what I’m here for.
I’m a mom of 3 and certified pediatric sleep consultant. If you need help, schedule your free 15-minute sleep evaluation with me at www.calendly.com/playsleepgrow.
