The Number One Baby Sleep Mistake Parents Make
Overview
In today’s article we will be pulling back the curtain on the number one baby sleep mistake I see parents make – both new and seasoned parents. And it’s especially common in those early weeks and months.
You will learn both what this mistake is, when you might encounter it, how to avoid making this mistake for yourself, and simple, actionable steps for what to do if you’ve already been making this mistake.
Storytime: The Number One Baby Sleep Mistake Parents Make
This weekend I was blessed to attend the Baptism for my friend’s 2-month-old grandson. It was so beautiful, both the ceremony itself and the relationship between that little babe and his mom and dad.
He would begin to squawk, and sometimes his mom could comfort him, and other times his dad would swoop in and sure enough, as soon as his dad scooped him up, cradled him outward in one arm, and lifted him up so it looked as though he was surveying the masses, he quieted down and was perfectly content.
After the baptism, complete with more precious squawking as the priest poured holy water over the baby’s head, we gathered in the activity center for snacks and chit chat.
And my sweet friend – the grandmother of the newly baptized – and I began a long-awaited conversation about her grandson’s sleep.
He was doing so well most nights, she said, but his naps were a mess.
He’s what we call a snack-and-snoozer, taking small feeds throughout the day, and falling asleep almost immediately once the feed begins. Only to awaken 10-20 minutes later, ready for another feed and ready to take another nap in 30 min.
And the one day that really stumped them was a day recently where he didn’t nap for the entire day. They tried everything, and the poor kiddo just would not fall asleep.
Now, I’ll pause right here and let you in on a little baby sleep 101 – at this point, there are still a myriad of reasons why this nugget might not be sleeping. But I did notice a number of areas that a) I needed more information on and b) could use some tweaking.
So I then proceeded to ask the baby’s mom and my friend – as she helps care for the baby when his mom needs a break - more about his sleep environment, other sleep and feeding patterns, how they typically respond, etc.
In general, some of the suggestions I gave were to ensure that he was getting full feeds – doing what was needed to keep him awake for the full feed, so that he could sleep better. Keep trying the swaddle, because even though he would fight it, most babies his age – and sometimes even especially the ones who fight it the most – still need and benefit from swaddling. And some natural gas remedy options.
And then we talked about the day where he would not settle for the entire day.
This, I explained - after asking about alternate causes like recent vaccines, illness, change in diet or environment, etc. – is commonly the result of the most common mistake I see parents make with their baby’s sleep – both new and seasoned parents.
And the mistake is:
thinking that their baby can stay awake longer than they actually can.
Or relying solely on sleep cues to tell them when to put their nugget down for their next sleep.
Now, based on this specific baby’s sleep history – taking mini naps every 30-60 minutes all day long – the chances of this being the only cause of that crummy sleep day are minimal – there were many causes at play that day, I suspect. All working together to make one really poopy day of sleep. Or, rather, lack thereof.
But! The overtiredness did almost certainly play into the mess - because once he’d been up past his first wake window, it all snowballed from there.
This tired mama didn’t intentionally keep her baby up past his wake window - it just happened.
This is how overtiredness happens:
I’m about to get all science-nerd on you. So buckle in.
The longer our bodies are awake, the higher the level of cortisol in our bodies builds. It’s not a bad thing – it’s a natural and intentional system in our body.
And then, once the cortisol level hits a threshold, adrenaline is released in our body. This is a survival system in our bodies – when we’re overtired and really need to sleep, but we’re not allowing our bodies to sleep, our bodies are like, “Well, alrighty then – here – Imma help you stay awake since that’s what you apparently need to do right now.”
And – whoosh – there goes the adrenaline.
And then, the adrenaline in our body makes it harder to fall asleep and stay asleep, because by staying awake, we basically told our bodies that we need to be awake right now.
Now for you and I as adults, we can stay awake for quite awhile before this energy-wallop hits.
But babies – not so much.
The younger a baby is, the shorter the timeframe is before this cortisol threshold is met and the adrenaline is released.
And that, sweet friend, is why wake windows and sleep pressure are such a delicate balance.
Our bodies need enough sleep pressure and – at the same time – not too much cortisol from staying awake – for us to fall asleep before becoming overtired.
When Parents Make the Most Common Baby Sleep Mistake
Okay, so now we know what the number one baby sleep mistake that parents make is, let’s talk about when it happens.
And remember – if you’ve made this mistake before, you are in good company!! New and seasoned parents alike make this mistake. Heck, I knew about this number one mistake before our first was born, and I still make this mistake sometimes.
It happens! We’re human.
So this mistake is most common in the earliest months. This is because when our babies are brand-spankin’ new, their wake windows can be as short as 45 minutes – and in the wee early days – some new babies hardly make it past 30 minutes!
It can feel like our babies are constantly sleeping – and, to be fair – that’s because they are. Or a whole lot anyway.
In the early months, our nuggets sleep and eat and poop and maybe we can sneak in a little bit of squirmy tummy time before they need to sleep again.
And at the same time, even if we know that our babies need to get to bed, in the early months, there always manages to be that visitor – our mom or our best friend or our sister – that just HAS to keep the baby up from her nap because “Oh Rebecca, when will I ever get to see this sweet baby again? Are you really going to keep her from me??”
Yeah. I know I’m not alone in this.
To be fair, these days are swift. And our closest family and friends can absolutely visit us with our new babies.
But that’s the key phrase – US with our new babies.
On our timeline. If they are dead-set on seeing our sweet baby, then they can visit with us while the baby takes a nap. Or help us with a load of laundry. Or get there at a better time.
As a life-long people pleaser and guilt-extraordinaire – it can be hard to have these boundaries.
But this I can promise – it gets easier with practice.
And with having the confidence that the decisions you are making are what you feel is best for your baby.
Because, let’s be honest, is Aunt Martha going to be the one dealing with a screaming baby at 3 am because he didn’t get his afternoon nap on time?
No. No she isn’t.
So, this mistake is most common in the earliest months – BUT!
Don’t be fooled: this mistake can happen at any age.
5-months. 12 months. 3 years. And so on.
If we stay awake too long, the adrenaline beast is released.
If you have a toddler that goes from a tired mess to bouncing off the walls just in time for bedtime – you know what I’m talking about.
How to Prevent the Most Common Baby Sleep Mistake
So if you’re like me and like to be proactive so that you can avoid as much pain as humanly possible, meaning that you don’t have your little one on the outside of your belly yet, but you’re preparing –
This is how to prevent this most common baby sleep mistake from happening in the first place:
1) Stay on top of wake windows – getting baby back to bed before the wake-window is up. Be aware, wake windows can vary slightly throughout the day. But typically not by a whole lot. You’re not going to have a 1.5-hour wake window here and a 4-hour wake window there. If that’s happening, then something funky is up.
2) Make sure baby is getting full feeds.
3) Don’t rely solely on sleep cues to tell you when baby is ready to sleep. (PS – sleep cues are only helpful in the newborn phase as it is because most older babies don’t show sleep cues until it’s too late.)
If you want a free baby wake window’s guide – so you know what the typical wake window is for your baby at every age from Day 1 to 3-years-old, shoot me a DM on Instagram @playsleepgrow or contact me here (with the subject: Free Baby Wake Window’s Guide From Article) and I will rocket that baby into your inbox ASAP.
How to Fix It if You’ve Made the Most Common Baby Sleep Mistake
Now, lastly, if you’ve already made this most common baby sleep mistake, and you are swimming in a sea of random wake windows and a very cranky, overtired baby –
This is how to fix it:
1) Figure out what the typical wake window is for your baby. Message me, check out my Instagram page, or check out whatever your favorite, most reliable source is for baby sleep.
2) Remember, this is an average. You may have to play around with it a little to find your baby’s sweet spot.
3) Also remember, if your baby was born early, his adjusted age may come into play.
4) Start fresh. I recommend starting these new and improved wake windows on the next day you can be 100% consistent.
5) Be consistent. Baby sleep habits are just that – habits. And you and I are fully aware that habits only work if we stick to them like superglue.
If figuring out your baby’s current sleep schedule sounds majorly overwhelming – remember – I have that exclusive gift for you – my sweet friend – the free baby sleep quiz that sends a sample sleep schedule specifically for your baby straight to your inbox.
And if even that sounds too DIY for your level of exhaustion, you can also reach out to me directly and we can talk about the 1:1 consulting packages I offer.
If you are 100% overwhelmed and exhausted, please know – it’s not going to be this way forever. This season will end. And if you need me, I can help you enjoy this season, rather than wish it away.
Summary
And that’s all we have time for today!
The number one baby sleep mistake I see parents make – both new and seasoned parents alike, when to expect it, how to prevent it, and what to do to fix it.
I’m Ashley Thompson, wife, mom, certified pediatric sleep consultant, and licensed speech language pathologist – and I can’t wait to see you next time.